weaving a tale of Trump's hair

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Gawker's Ashley Feinberg asks of Trump's "inscrutable hairdo," is it actually a $60,000 weave? Feinberg offers "a potential answer--perhaps the first plausible one--to the riddle of Donald Trump's hair:"

A tipster who claimed knowledge of Trump's hair recently came to Gawker with a potential solution to the enigma: Trump's hair is not his own, costs tens of thousands of dollars for installation and upkeep, and comes from a man as mysterious as Trump is bombastic.

This solution that Trump, our tipster says, sought for his hair woes is a little-known, patented hair restoration treatment called a "microcylinder intervention." It's only performed by one clinic that we know of--Ivari International--where our source once sought treatment, and where he says he learned of Trump's apparent patronage. What's more, Ivari's New York location was inside Trump Tower--on a floor that's now private and reserved for Donald Trump's children's offices.

"Trump's candy-colored head rug," observes Feinberg, "flaps as one in the breeze." For instance:


Another memorable example is this video of Trump's hair flying away from a bald eagle:

You'll notice that as it's being sideswiped by the powerful wing of Uncle Sam, Trump's meticulously arranged pile of hair moves as though it were a single entity. Or, perhaps, as though it were woven together.

"Which," as Feinberg continus, "brings us to the patented microcylinder technique of Mr. Edward Ivari." Feinberg shows us "an archived copy of the website from April of 1997 shows that Ivari had previously listed itself as located on the 25th floor of none other than Trump Tower:"


Now, how exactly would an "available private entrance for our prominent clients" work with an office on the 25th floor of a high rise? You'd likely need to have access to whatever it was that took up space on either side of your business's walls. As luck would have it, Donald Trump's office was located directly above, on the 26th floor.*

According to our tipster's theory, Donald Trump first started seeking treatment at Ivari at some point prior to the year 2000. However, Ivari International had advertised its services in New York Magazine periodically between 1995 and 1997, as seen below. So Donald Trump could have easily caught wind of the treatment then.

It wasn't until November in 2005 that Ivari stopped listing the New York location as being on the 25th floor of Trump Tower. It has claimed to be "in the process of changing the address" ever since. [...]

We were unable to try to track down Ivari's former New York location because, as someone with knowledge of Trump Tower's inner workings explained, since at least 2011 it's been impossible to get to the 25th floor without a security escort. Nothing, we are told, remains there but the Trump family business.

In conclusion, Feinberg suggests "a fun little thought exercise:"

Let us pretend for a minute that perhaps Ivari was never really "in the process of changing the address" in New York. That would mean that, for at least the five additional years the business continued to function in New York state (if not longer), Ivari International sat squarely in the direct vicinity of Donald Trump's office.

Considering the lack of advertising and refusal to share its actual location, new clients would have surely been rare, if not nonexistent. This would mean, then, that Ivari would need some steady source of income from some sort of mega-client. Some mega-client that, perhaps, has built an identity around his objectively terrible hair choices but refuses to concede that his hair is anything but his own. In which case, this bombastic, mega-client would of course demand the utmost privacy.

Wouldn't it be convenient, then, if Ivari's New York office was right below its number one client's own office? And wouldn't having other clients become unnecessary if this one hyper-wealthy regular required constant attention?

Might this secret mega-client singlehandedly sustaining Ivari International's New York office with constant treatments be none other than presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump himself?

Such an exercise strikes me as far more likely than any explanation issuing from the mouth of Trump.

update (5/25 at 6:41pm)
In light of "Trump's absurd hair [being] easily the most memorable thing about him," Slate wonders, why aren't we talking about Trump's (alleged) hairpiece?

I don't understand why Gawker's investigative report about Donald Trump's hair is not the major national news story of the moment. [...] He has basically staked his entire reputation on the claim that his hair is real.

How much investigative zeal does our allegedly confrontational press truly have?

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This page contains a single entry by cognitivedissident published on May 24, 2016 2:31 PM.

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