Justin Rosario's post about Republican Jesus is my favorite thing today:
Republican Jesus™ loves the rich. Ignore that whole "camel through the eye of a needle" garbage. Republican Jesus™ wants you to be prosperous! It's called "prosperity theology" and it percolates throughout the conservative religious fervor. God rewards the faithful with material wealth. Very spiritual stuff. If your idea of spiritual is a McMansion.
But Republican Jesus™ is not just about love. Republican Jesus ™ also hates and, boy, does he hate!
Republican Jesus™ hates the poor. This is the flip side of "prosperity theology". If God rewards the faithful with riches, than the poor are obviously NOT of the faith and deserve what they get. This is, in part, why conservatives hate the social safety nets of welfare, food stamps and Medicaid. Those (and by "those" I mean those) people don't worship Republican Jesus™ and are unworthy of being helped. Besides if you feed them, they'll just breed!
Republican Jesus™ hates The Gay. They're sinners, after all. It says so right there in the Bible next to the part about shellfish being an abomination. Nothing demonstrates the compassionate conservatives' dedication to the teachings of Republican Jesus™ like blocking legislation for same sex marriage and calling homosexuals pedophiles while enjoying a nice shrimp cocktail before a delicious lobster dinner.
Republican Jesus™ hates Muslims. Muslims are scary because some of them do bad things to innocent people. That makes them all evil terrorists. This is not to be confused with White Christian Militia types who blow up abortion clinics or plot political assassinations in Republican Jesus'™ name. Those people are martyrs and heroes. Or they were crazy lone wolves having nothing to do with Republican Jesus™. It depends on which channel you're interviewing on, Fox or MSNBC.
Republican Jesus™ totally hates Liberals. Liberals are the pawns of
SatanGeorge Soros trying to destroy the greatest country ever made on this 6000 year old planet (conservative moderates are almost as bad and must be expunged!). Compromising with a Liberal is a terrible sin in the eyes of Republican Jesus™ and must not be tolerated.
If that weren't enough awesomeness, here's a quote from Jesus that can only the found in the Conservative Bible: