Conservative Bible Project

I've mocked Conservapedia (Wikipedia-with-a-conservative-slant) before, but their "Conservative Bible Project" (h/t: Rod Dreher's "Conservatizing the Bible," via Andrew Sullivan) is so ridiculous that it practically parodies itself:

As of 2009, there is no fully conservative translation of the Bible which satisfies the following ten guidelines:

1. Framework against Liberal Bias: providing a strong framework that enables a thought-for-thought translation without corruption by liberal bias
2. Not Emasculated: avoiding unisex, "gender inclusive" language, and other modern emasculation of Christianity
3. Not Dumbed Down: not dumbing down the reading level, or diluting the intellectual force and logic of Christianity; the NIV is written at only the 7th grade level
4. Utilize Powerful Conservative Terms: using powerful new conservative terms as they develop; defective translations use the word "comrade" three times as often as "volunteer"; similarly, updating words which have a change in meaning, such as "word", "peace", and "miracle".
5. Combat Harmful Addiction: combating addiction by using modern terms for it, such as "gamble" rather than "cast lots"; using modern political terms, such as "register" rather than "enroll" for the census
6. Accept the Logic of Hell: applying logic with its full force and effect, as in not denying or downplaying the very real existence of Hell or the Devil.
7. Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning
8. Exclude Later-Inserted Liberal Passages: excluding the later-inserted liberal passages that are not authentic, such as the adulteress story
9. Credit Open-Mindedness of Disciples: crediting open-mindedness, often found in youngsters like the eyewitnesses Mark and John, the authors of two of the Gospels
10. Prefer Conciseness over Liberal Wordiness: preferring conciseness to the liberal style of high word-to-substance ratio; avoid compound negatives and unnecessary ambiguities; prefer concise, consistent use of the word "Lord" rather than "Jehovah" or "Yahweh" or "Lord God."

Over at Sadly, No!, Brad snarks:

I can't decide what I like best about this -- the fact that they think the Bible is an Ayn Rand-style ode to the glory of the free market or that they demand that the text not be dumbed down in guideline #3 while demanding that the text be dumbed down in guideline #10.

In addition to correcting the favorite verses of Christian Communism, I wonder if Conservapedia will be rewriting "love thy neighbor" and some of the other notoriously liberal passages. Here are some suggestions:

And he shall judge among the nations, and shall rebuke many peaceniks: and they shall beat their plowshares into swords, and their pruninghooks into spears: nation shall always lift up sword against nation, neocons shall learn war forevermore. (Isaiah 2:4)

"...all they that take the sword shall earn fame and glory with the sword."
(Matthew 26:52)

Jesus' "Temple Tantrum" needs to be corrected, too:

And the Jews' passover was at hand, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem. And found in the temple those that sold oxen and sheep and doves, and the changers of money sitting: And he congratulated the entrepreneurs for their innovations in fleecing the flock of believers; the spiritual freedom of my Father's house is matched only by its free-market array of merchandise. (John 2:13-16)

Conservapedia should also fix up that commie-tinged "Sermon on the Mount" to something more wealth-friendly--and perhaps retitle it "Sermon on the Millionaires:"

" And when thou prayest, thou shalt be as the televangelists are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward in silk suits, and limousines, and private jets, and mansions, and vacation homes. But thou, when thou prayest, envy in thy closet, and tithe in order that sacred opulence shall be rewarded openly." (Matthew 6:5-6)

"Blessed are the military contractors, for they shall be called the children of General Dynamics. Blessed are they which are persecuted for Republicans' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of Halliburton." (Matthew 5:9-10)

Some verses, thankfully, are already appropriate for the CEO-friendly GOP platform:

"For whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath." (Matthew 12:13)

Let us praise The Gospel of Supply-Side Jesus!