cognitive dissident

I received this missive lampooning the allegedly widespread liberals desire to emigrate (10 December 2004, 3:58 PM):

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say its not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry.

"He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay."

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields.

"Not real effective," he said. The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.

In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes ingenious ways of crossing the border.

Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers.

"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.

"I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts, and we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out."

My response, a combination of two items forwarded to me, follows:

USEFUL TRAVEL PHRASES

"Hello. Are you a Canadian border guard?"
"Bonjour. Êtes-vous une esti de garde canadienne de frontière?"

"I would like to apply for permanent residence"
"Je voudrais solliciter la résidence permanente"

"I am a political refuge. The reason? My former country has been overrun with morons and rednecks."
"Je suis un chris de refugé politique. La raison? Mon ancien pays a été débordé avec des asti d'innocentes et des batardes."

"Before I step over the border, I have a couple of questions for you."
"Avant que je passe la frontière, j'ai un couple des questions pour vous."

"Can the Prime Minister say the word 'nuclear'?"
"Peut le premier ministre dire le mot 'nucléaire'?"

"Is Canada at war with anyone for no good reason?"
"Le Canada à la guerre avec n'importe qui, et est-il pour aucune bonne raison?"

"Do you allow pretend cowboys to be in positions of power?"
"Laissez-vous des osti de cowboys dans des positions de pouvoire?"

"Yes, no, and no? Fine. Let me the f%#k in."
"Oui, non, et non? Et ben, Laissez-moi rentre la dedans chris de tabarnaque de callis."

NEW MAP OF NORTH AMERICA